“I would just say hope is just pretending to believe in something until one day you don’t have to pretend any more.”
In an appearance on The Today Show on Monday morning, former Ohio State offensive lineman Harry Miller spoke for publicly for the first time since retiring from football earlier this month due to his struggles with mental health.
“I had no intention of this happening the way that it did,” Miller said. “People call me brave, but to me, it just felt like not dying and it felt like being honest. Maybe bravery is just being honest when it would be easier not to, and if that's bravery, then so be it. But I've just been really grateful to receive the help I have and to have learned some things that I can share with others."
Miller, who revealed in a message on social media that he told head coach Ryan Day last summer that he intended to commit suicide, shared that he also told his mother he wanted to kill himself when he was just 8 years old – and that feeling never went away.
“I got treatment when I was young,” Miller said. “I guess I’ve always been anxious and depressed. Years past and I felt good in high school. Got to college and it’s just sort of difficult. You’ve got these young people being thrusted under these bright lights.
“As a student-athlete, you play a game. It’s hard game, perhaps you made a lot of mistakes. People will send you messages saying, ‘Transfer, you suck.’ Some people I know get death threats on the team, but you can’t worry about it too much because you’ve got an exam the next day. And you have that for weeks and months, and by the end of the semester, you’re like, ‘What is happening right now?’ It just breaks my heart.”
“When I was going through my therapy, I was seeing stories of Miss Americas and athletes all over the board and I just kept thinking, ‘If only somebody would just say something.’ And I'm just really grateful that I was able to have received the care and love and affection that I did so that I could.”
When asked to share a message with others who may be going through similar struggles, Miller fought back tears while delivering an emotional message directly to the camera.
“When you’re preparing to not be able to say words anymore, you realize how important your words are,” Miller said. “Even now, they feel so clumsy. I would just say hope is just pretending to believe in something until one day you don’t have to pretend any more.
“Right now, you have all the logic, all the rationale in the world to give up on it, but I would just ask, pretend for a little bit, and then one day you won’t have to pretend any more and you’ll be happy. I’m so grateful.”
Miller recently went on another mission trip to Nicaragua, something he’s done since he was in middle school. He mentioned how he sat next to a mother and her son on the return trip, which reduced him to tears again.
“It shattered me because I realized how easily I would have given that up,” Miller said. “I’m just so grateful, and I would just ask to keep pretending and then one day you won't have to, and you'll be so glad that you did. That's the only advice I think I can muster.”
If you or somebody you know needs help, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. You can also text ‘HOME’ to 741-741.
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